How was everyone's fourth of July? Evidently there is no fine line between being a total prude and a nasty slut, I learned this lesson the heard way. Boys can do whatever it is they please without recieving judgements, but the life of a girl is infinitely more complicated. Woe is me, so my life's a big old pot of complicated drama right now, but that's okay. This summer has been full of realizations. The people you never thought would ever leave you will. You'll learn to depend on yourself more than you ever thought humanly possible. &in the end, you're going to be okay. We were born alone, we'll die alone, and in the meantime, we really have no one to count on but ourselves.

No, not all of my friends have up and abandoned me completely. I've made some awesome friends this summer. A girl I thought I'd never consider one of my best friends, well.. is now. We've sort of bonded over our shitty boydrama, and become closer than I ever thought me and her would ever be, just in time for her to mvoe halfway across the country to the University of Forida. :/ &my bestfriend who's been gone for most of the summer will be coming home next thursday, so i can't wait for her return :) it's been an eerie summer without her. she's the kind of friend that i took for granted when she was attached to my hip for the past year, but now that she's been gone for almost the past two months, i miss her terribly.

[left to right: me, Torii]

So anyways, how has everyone elses summer been?
Talk.
<3

Does everything happen for a reason?

I think that's what it all boils down to. Can you really force your deepest desires to take place, if it isn't meant to be? Can you work your whole life towards something, or in my case someone, and make it come true if it isn't meant to be? Are there limits to what you can make happen; or is it just bitter irony that my own dreams and ambitions never seem to come true?

Two years ago I fell in love for the first time, but it didn't last. Now two years later, I thought I had the chance to make this love last. We weren't good for each other then. Me, the straightedge niave Christian girl was head over heels for an Athiest, and a drug addict. Now I've grown up and out of the person I was then. When we broke up two years ago, he never gave me a legitimate reason for why he didn't wish to speak with me, but looking back I realized that he was probably sick of the fact that we didn't have a thing in common, and that there didn't seem to be thing he could say that I could agree with. But he's the type of boy that I could never be mad at, because his very presence is my favorite drug. He listens to metal and rap. He reads comic books and actually reads authors such as Edgar Alan Poe and William Shakespeare. The white scars forever remaining a park of him remind me that I don't have to hide that part of me; and that means more to me than I could possibly explain. I love losing sleep to his voice; his insomnia gives me a reason to remain awake until three in the morning when I'll have to wake up at five and get ready for school.

October 30, 2009 was the day he walked back into my life, and I thought he was here to stay. The moment I embraced him again, for the first time in about two years, it hit me like a ton of bricks how much I'd truly missed this boy. I hadn't been yearning for him for the past two years; I'd forgotten about him. I don't know how I did it, but somewhere between the fact that he never answered a single text or phone call of mine made me forget about the impact he had on my life. However, as soon as he was willing to reintroduce himself to me, every single feeling I had towards that I thought had didsappeared forever came rushing back. It was obvious that I never gotten over him; I had merely forgotten about him.

December 11, 2009 was the best night of me entire life. It was the type of night I had been looking forward to for so long. An intoxicated night in his embrace. To an outsider, this friday night wouldn't seem to have any extreme significance to a seventeen year old girl. We rode around in his Tahoe; him listening to rap music, and me listening to his voice, speaking at such a rate that I couldn't completely understand what exactly the words coming out of his mouth meant. Pulling up to the Burger King parking lot, there was a Twilight poster hanging from the window, which made him say to me, "God, twilight's almost as bad as J.K. Rowling's books." thus bashing my two favorite series of all time. And not five minutes previously, he'd been making fun of my veggie burger, once again teasing me on the fact that I'd rather desicrate my own immune system than eat animals. The boy sitting in the drivers seat is one of the only people on the face of this planet than could make these comments and, rather than me getting upset with him, make me want to actually debate my "shitty authors" and vegetarianism with him.

I have more fun with him walking around Walnart dressing up in boys boxers, playing with giant foam swords and talking about music than I could at any amount of shows, shopping sprees or nights toking in my best friend's basement.

I drank a little bit too much. "I chase my alcohol with alcohol," well you might, but I don't. I couldn't

The calm before the storm; this night was the eve of life without him all over again. I'm not exactly sure exactly what sparked it, but I do know I haven't heard from him since this night.

He is the heathen and the white light I'll always follow<3

post one.

Heyy xanga :)
Long time no see

I used to be on this site every single day in middle school. It was the old myspace. Back then me and all my friends blogged about absolutely nothing, cause we were in middle school XD but I've been thinking about it for a while, and I'm planning on using this site again. I'm not looking for comments or subscribers, just somewhere to spill out my shitty, unorganized, chaotic feelings, and have them out there in the world somewhere. None of my friends know I'm doing this; this is for me. So if any one is reading this, you probably won't get much personal information out of me.

But anyways....

Saturday was amazing. Torii, TJ with a bunch of his friends partied at this chick's house on the plaza and I met one of Teejay's friends, Daniel. He was such a sweetie and I've been texting him for a couple days now. It's kind of ironic though, cause last Valentine's Day I met Ryan, and it'd be super ironic--well, to me anyways--if something came of me and Daniel, cause it'd be like I had this Valentine's Day curse that I can't even have a Valentine, but I meet a really cute amazing guy on Valentine's Day every year, :p

Ughhh, today was not my day. I woke up ten minutes before my bus came, and so i throw on a random polo and am still wearing the sweats i fell asleep in; i didn't have time to do my makeup or straighten my hair, so i threw my hair up in a bun. And what are the first two comments I get regarding my physical appearance as soon as I get to school? "Haha, you look like you got into a fight?" and "You look hungover." Thanks guys. Then first hour gym. Nuff said there. I dont' have my ipod to calm me down, cause i let my bestfriend borrow it, cause her's got stolen.

We only made out,
You never kissed me.
Hush; Automatic Loveletter